Monday, August 10, 2015

Dear the-one-that-got away

Dear you, 

For the last four years, I've struggled to get over you. I would often say "I am done" only to find myself relapsing after a while. I would always say I'm fine, but then find myself missing you. I miss you when I'm at MTS. I miss you when I see a red vios. I miss you when I see Mcdonalds. I miss you. 

I've dated people after the person I chose over you and I have broken up. I thought it would help, none ever did. When you came back and I was still with the asshole (the baby daddy who ended up lying to me again many times), I really hoped you had been persistent and you hadn't been so full of integrity.  But you, you are so beautiful because of your ideals. You would never break people up. You're just so kind and idealistic and you always do the right thing and that is probably why I fell in love with you and damn it, replacing you is quantum physics for me- and you know I've never been good at math or physics.

Did you really have to be what you are? You were the only man who was ever able to keep up with my stubborn, hyper, uncompromising way of doing things. I know I wasn't the easiest person to deal with, but you thought I was perfect anyway. I am a pain in the a**, but you delighted in that; because for you, "only Cassie rocks my boat". Remember when you said those words to me inside your car outside of my rented house? When you were so tired from work and you just had to see me to make you feel better?

You never disappointed me; although you broke my heart when you cut all communications, you jerk. I did not mean the "jerk" part and I know you know that. You could have waited for me, I just needed to do the right thing.

I hate you. I really hate you for setting the bar too high. You could have settled for being so-so, but it was not enough. You had to be pretty, flaming amazing. I can't agree with people when they say every guy cheats, because you never cheated. My god, you didn't even bother flirting with the countless women and fabulous gay people who hit on you. You held on to me like I am your most priced treasure.

I hate how you still  remember things about me two years after we last saw each other and you sent me an email, telling me to take care of myself when you saw me partying so hard and surrounded with not so real friends (You stalker). You really did take your time to know what I really want and my aspirations in life.

I have to resist the urge to argue when someone says no guy will take a single mother seriously; because you, you wanted to marry me. You wanted to take me to Manila with you and start a family there. With my son and you. But me and my stupid decision making abilities. I wish I knew better four years ago. It's funny how Noah's words are almost as exactly how you laid things to me when I had to make a decision. I am so sorry.

I hate missing you when I have a shitty day and it happens very often. I hate missing you on weekends and waking up at 3am looking for you. I hate how you could make me cry or smile just like that. I really hate The Notebook, Grey's Anatomy, Rachel McAdams, Ryan Gosling, Marco Polo Cafe, Spaceburger and Yellow Cab, because they always remind me of you. Of course, you ruined Paradise Resort for me.

Really, I hate you. I've loved you since I cannot remember, I am tired. As my friend told me, I need to get over you so that I can love again. How could I love again when I've always looked for you in everyone. In fact, when I saw you standing in the same boat with me going to the Statue of Liberty, I had to check thrice and check if its really you or just my imagination. Because what do you know, of all the places, of all the times, and of all the countries that we both could be in, we have to see each other there. Me, by myself. And you, with your wife.

She's really pretty, by the way. You've always had excellent taste in women. Thank you for not replacing me with a so-so woman. It wasn't enough that you took my heart away and didn't give it back. You just had to make it really difficult for me. I hate you.

I am writing this blog because I really want to get over you. I want to release all these feels right now because I couldn't stop crying, and I want to stop already. Four years is a long time. So after today, I will never mention you again.



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