Of Love And Betrayal

For more than a year, I have been staying away from toxic people in my life and I became a happier person since then. 7 months ago, someone knocked on my door at 3am and said he needed my help. Because he's a family, I welcomed him in my house with open arms. I gave him food to eat, water to drink, clothed him and gave him his wants like cigarettes and booze when he asks for it in an attempt to save him from his misery. As a single mother, the financial burden is a big added deal but I wanted him to trust me like a parent, and confide to me like a sister.

I know it's lame but I can't help it, I have to post a crying pic to go with the sad topic.
I was caught crying on a wedding because of  the groom's speech.
Not connected with the topic at at all, just for thumbnail and all the drama. Duh

As a 25 year old grown up man, I never asked him to look for a job.  I figured that he'd be wise enough to know that he needed to get a job in order to finance his needs and wants. As a child, I have always hated it when people have to tell me what to do. There's a thin line between teaching and "pangunahan" ka. I hate the latter. So I thought he would hate it if I do that, so I didn't. A month went by, two, three and came his 7th month living under my roof, he still didn't look for a job. There were times when I asked him to do my job for me which he obligingly did, though I always end up finishing it for him. And I paid him. I paid him well.

You see, I have this reputation of being emotionally abused by people that I love. It may be a friend, a relative or a boyfriend. My bestfriend once told me that I am not good in socializing with people that I don't like. I don't kiss asses. If I don't like you, then I wouldn't go through lengths of moving a single nerve to even give you a smile or a nod. But when I like a person or love a person, I go to the extremes of showing you my love and care. As a child, I thought that's a good trait. But growing up, I am not sure anymore. This trait has led me to making bad decisions, and this, is one of the worst.

It wasn't until I became aware that I lost a huge amount of money two weeks ago, and it wasn't until I found out that he pawned my cellphone (just this morning) that I realized that I am making a huge mistake. Helping him was a bad idea and my idea of "help" and "therapy" was not good for him. 

I became really angry three hours ago, who wouldn't? I felt betrayed, abused and tricked. I said things that were so hurtful that it hurts to even hear those words coming from me. When he opened his mouth, I thought he would say sorry, (because that's what you do when you hurt people right?) But instead, he said "Mulakaw na lang ko uy, pabug-at raman ko dri!" (I'll move out of this house then! I'm a burden for you anyway!")

And all hell broke lose. 

I watched him wash his clothes. I watched him cry. I heard him when he said 'Goodbye and Thank you". And I watched him go out of the door. Crying. 

I love my brother. I love him. God knows that. And I wish I never said the words that I said to him. Albeit everything that he did, my heart is bleeding right now. 

I feel guilty and I know I will never sleep tonight without thinking if he's already sleeping in a comfortable bed or if he already ate dinner. 

But he has to help himself. So I need to carry this burden so that I can truly help him. I need to teach him resilience, something that our parents never did because of their undying love for us. 

If he's ready to change, I will still welcome him with open arms. 

I miss you Noy. :'(