Tacloban and Pope Francis: A dream come true

I have raved on my social networks how 2014 was a good year for me and I kind of had the impression that 2015 would not be that giving, Mrs. Good Karma has to make her rounds, right? But I don't know what kind of good I did in my lifetime to have the universe in my favor because two items in my bucket list are officially crossed out, and the first month of the year haven't even ended yet! How awesome is that? 

Bucket list #1: Tacloban 

I am not a public servant or a dedicated humanitarian but when I saw the catastrophe Typhoon Haiyan caused, the human side of me immediately wanted to go there and help but I was too sick then. All I could do was donate whatever I can, take part of benefit concerts, and pray for the people affected. On January 7 this year, my mom asked if I want to be a part of their medical team for a Tacloban mission for a week and will be leaving on January 12. My doctor haven't given me the slightest approval yet to go under any strenuous activities and my schedule was already packed the said week of departure but I said yes without any hesitations. It was like the rightest thing to do.

Tanauan public market

St. Scholastica's third floor, completely detsroyed by typhoon Haiyan

A house washed out by the storm surge

UP Tacloban's mini stage's roof destroyed by the strong winds of Typhoon Haiyan

I was not able to roam around the city because I was not comfortable going out without my mom. But on January 14, we went to Brgy. Cogon, Tanauan, Leyte for an overnight community service with a group of missionary nuns so I took pictures of the surroundings inside the van. The immersion was indeed a life changing experience. It was in that activity where I was able to grasp the plight of the survivors and how it changed their lives drastically. I am going to talk about it on my next blog and why it made a 360 degree turn in my life as well. Tacloban hasn't fully recovered yet. You can still see the awful things that Typhoon Haiyan caused to the people. It was overwhelming to see the place. It made me ask myself: Where is the 12.3 billion dollars donated by the world? But that's another story and another blog. 

Bucketlist #2: Pope Francis 

My fascination for Pope Francis started when I learned all about his non-traditional act of kindness as a pope especially when I learned that he doesn't condemn the LGBT community and mothers out of wedlock.

We arrived at the meeting place on the 12th of January at 4:30 am. First thing I saw was my college school bus and it gave me my first feeling of elation on this trip, the bus meant comfortable land travel and I was right. Second thing I saw was the tarpaulin in front of the bus that said "Papal Visit 2015". I could remember my heart skipping a beat. I immediately looked for my mom inside the bus and asked her if we were going to see the Pope and Holy Mother of Christ, she said YES.

I was so happy that I could barely contain my excitement but there were already nuns and volunteers inside the bus. I didn't want to embarrass my mom so all I did was jump up and down, scream inside my head and thank the universe for being so good to me.

my pilgrim ID

It was on January 17 when I was finally able to see the Pope. That day will be forever engraved in my heart because it was definitely not a walk in the park. Since vehicles were forbidden to roam around the perimeters of downtown Tacloban, we had to start walking at 2am from where we were staying to the airport where the mass with the Pope took place. We arrived at the airport at exactly 4am.

There were already thousands of pilgrims who spent the night in their respective quadrants. When we reached our quadrant, we were delighted to find out that ours (#5) is only a hundred meters away from the altar

The original schedule for the mass was 10am but the Pope learned about the on-going storm in Tacloban where people were waiting for him under a heavy rain. He asked for an earlier flight so it only took us 5 hours to wait for him instead of 6 (This information was announced over the mic to the delight of the pilgrims). We took advantage of the 5 hour wait and took selfies after the 5am rosary. Seriously, there was no better way to enjoy that wait under a pouring rain and strong winds than taking selfies, we had to entertain ourselves than focus on the bad.

The altar

with my mom and co-medical team volunteers

Bevs my official bestfriend in this trip haha!

another selfie!

Me, all soaking wet but all excited to meet the Pope!

Mom

Pope Francis' plane arrived at 9am as promised. People went ballistic when we saw the plane up on the sky while preparing its landing. We were shouting and screaming. It was overwhelming! The crowd were filled with catharsis. Who wouldn't? It was THE Pope. The Pope, who in my opinion, is truly living and following the teachings of Christ.

Pope Francis' plane 

The crowd went wild when we finally saw Pope Francis in person while he was on his way to the altar. My favorite moment was when he put on the same yellow raincoat that the crowd were wearing (given for free). I think it was his way of showing solidarity with the people. I had goosebumps all over! I was not able to take pictures during the mass because I was so into it which was surprising. To be honest at the risk of being jduged, I am not a religious Catholic, I could barely stand a one hour mass. But I was able to withstand that 2 hour mass, sang all the songs played and listened to every word the Pope has to say in his homily.

The Pope made his rounds after the mass on his famous Pope mobile. I think he did it to give chance to other pilgrims to see him up-close whose quadrants were far from the altar. When I realized that our quadrant was near the road where the Pope's police escort were preparing, I told my mom that it must be the starting point road for the Pope's parade to the city. We immediately went there and we were lucky enough to be in a position where we can clearly see the Pope. The policemen were nice too! They let us get near the road without following the barricade.

The starting point road

The super nice policeman who let us get near the road

the police escort, taking pictures of the excited crowd

We waited for another 15-20 minutes before I saw the Pope's mobile gracing the road. Here's the video of the Pope waving at us. Please excuse me as I gush like a kid.

Here's a photo of him waving at us. He was only 2 meters away from where we were. It only took 13 seconds for him to pass by us, but it was one of the best 13 seconds of my life. 

When we couldn't see the Pope mobile anymore, we then started to walk for another 2 hours back to where we were staying. I couldn't feel my feet, my hips were hurting by this time and I could barely walk because of the pain. We were halfway down the road when we heard the police sirens again and it was the pope's caravan, exiting Tacloban downtown on it's way to Palo. I was able to see him again and this time, I only took mental pictures and video exclusive for my memory. That moment gave me enough strength to walk another kilometers.

It was already 1:30 pm when we reached Cawacsi training center (where we were staying). I took a long bath to get rid of the mud on my body. I didn't even bother to eat lunch because I was already excited to lie down and rest. I was so exhausted but it was a good exhausted. It was the best experience E-VER! 

Dingdong-Marian #DM123014: The wedding that launched a thousand hypocrites

What do you know, my first blog after 5 months of being inactive, blogging wise and my first ever blog for 2015 talks about a couple that I don't even like.

Dingdong is okay. He's handsome alright, and he was one of the matinee idols back in my high school days but I have always disliked Marian. I don't hate her but I have never developed a fascination for her beauty or fashion style to say the least. I don't like her acting, I don't like how she speaks and I don't like her big teeth. Insecure much? Not really. I only get insecure with women who have beauty and brains. No offense Marians, when I say brains, think about Maya Angelou, Oprah, Hillary Clinton and Miriam Defensor or Resci Rizada (a Davao local beauty queen who graduated college with honors and who just graduated law with honors).

(c) Grey's Anatomy

Those are the type of people that irk the hell out of my entirety for not being born like them, but when I saw Marian in her wedding dress, I was stunned. She IS beautiful. In fact, I believe I spent 80% of my December 30, 2014 liking posts about their wedding. The bride was stunning, the groom was unsurprisingly handsome and the people invited were all beautiful of course.

(c) Marian Rivera's Offcial facebook account 

My Facebook newsfeed was filled with the wedding details. I was not surprised at all since they are both major television stars but then again, we all have different reactions towards the event. One Facebook friend who lives in the states who couldn't care less about the couple got so annoyed over the flood posts that she opted to sleep rather than dwell on the annoyance of seeing deets that she doesn't need on her newsfeed. I actually feel sorry for her; she's not the type to rant. There's also one faFacebookriend who blustered about the couple's choice of a very public wedding. She claimed that if they have class, they should've chosen an intimate wedding. While it got me raising my eyebrows, I found myself respecting her opinion. After all, Mr. and Mrs. Smith chose to have a very simple and intimate wedding.

(c) Marian Rivera's official Facebook account

The wedding gained a lot of negative reaction and to be honest, it annoyed me more than the flood posts about the wedding details on my Facebook newsfeed and Twitter. Someone wrote an article bashing the couple about the 8 bishops and 7 priests who wed them, there was even an article dedicated to discussing about the 7 million peso cake, there was also this article about the couple's violation towards the Philippine's civil code against "thoughtless extravagance". All of these posts made me sad but nothing made me fuming mad than this post.

Where does this someone, who posts an article from a satirical website who had to use his wife's loaned money for the expenses, get the guts to compare his wedding to another couple's important day who worked hard for years to have the wedding that they want? Are we supposed to praise someone who let his wife spend for the wedding just because it was simple and they were the "happiest"? Well newsflash, marriage doesn't work that way.

I couldn't help myself, I got mad that I had to write a blog about people that I don't like. That's how twisted this world is. People have the heart to write negative things about a celebration of love and marriage.

I am sorry for the long post. Here's a heart shaped potato with two eggs and a knife to nourish your frozen hearts.

(c) Jake Duck's Instagram 

How To Be A Perfect Single Mother

I honestly don’t know! 

I am not a perfect single mom, I actually think I sometimes suck as a mom! I suck as a mom whenever I can’t be there for my son just because I have to work. I suck when my son wants to get my attention because I am too busy working 17 hours straight. I do sometimes suck as a mom, and it feels awful.

Kobe at 3 months
ootd: Pambahay clothes lol 

I know a lot of single moms who say that we shouldn't blame ourselves for every misgiving we make to our children because we can’t do everything. That no matter how often we put on our super mom suits, we just can’t be superheroes because even the best fall down sometimes. But for me, who else is there to blame? We were the one who chose who to father our children. It was supposed to be our responsibility to carefully choose a man who is responsible enough to raise a child, OUR child. And since we were unable to do that, then I believe that we have no right to cut ourselves some slack on giving our child the best and we definitely cannot blame it on the fact that their father turned out to be an ass. Besides, if you fall down then you are not the best. And I want to be the best for my son.

Kobe at 5 months on my 27th birthday 
my ootd blacksheep 
kobe's ootd gingersnaps 

These sentiments were awaken when I was not able to do my son’s project last week. He’s in K1 and their teacher required them to bring 5 cut out images of things that start with letter A on Monday, bring an object that starts with letter B on Tuesday and bring 5 cut out images that start with letter B on Wednesday. Simple projects right? But I was not able help my son make them.

I was too busy with work and with my starting business that I completely forgot to check his notebook for his daily assignments.  Though I was able to submit the projects on time, I still was not able to teach my son what images to cut for things that start with letter A and B because I was such in a hurry to submit it by 1PM so I did it myself, and why I hastily brought a bible on the last minute to their classroom for an object that starts with letter B.

The Bible that I brought for Kobe's project. 

Not only that, I had to find out on Thursday that Kobe was bitten by his classmate on his left arm the day before, that he was brought to the clinic for a tetanus injection and that it left a big mark on his left arm and I did not even notice that night because I-was-too-busy!

I cried for a good 15 minutes feeling sorry for my son for having a failure mom. I just couldn’t believe I oversaw those things. I felt like I was the worst mother on earth and asked myself why can’t I be the perfect mom that my son deserves to have? So I made a promise. I vowed that I should not let these things happen again. 

Here are 5 of the things that I am doing in my quest to be the perfect single mother for Kobe. I have been doing the last two already, top three were just developed recently.

Use Google calendar. I think we all take a mental note on something very important and think that we will remember it later. Well unless you are Bryan Mills, then do not make that mistake! Use a calendar tool that will consistently remind you on something imperative. I did that to remind me to check Kobe’s physical well-being and assignments daily. The tool has helped me a lot to be efficient not only to be a mother but also to be a good employee/business woman. My favorite calendar tool is Google calendar because I have an android phone. 

Not only will it snooze 15 minutes before the assigned time

It will also email you and snooze again every 15 minutes if you haven’t done the task yet. 

You can download it for free in Playstore. If you are an iPhone user, you can follow this instruction. I am pretty sure there are other calendar tools that you can download. For me, Google calendar works best.


Organize daily schedule. I use Google calendar of course. I have been doing this for a while now but only for work. But I found out just last week that it is also very important to set an extra time for my son. Being a mom with a home based job, this is a huge advantage for me because I can now set a time to be with my son at least 15-30 minutes in the morning without hurting my schedule.  I don’t know with moms who have corporate jobs but I am pretty sure setting a time to call the child/children or the nanny to check on them for 5 mins wouldn’t hurt either right? I set schedules for as little as “Ask yaya if Kobe took his vitamins” or “Check Kobe’s teeth if brushed, check ears and nails if cleaned and cut”.  I swear, it really works!  I now have the time to not only check on my son’s physical but as well as emotional well being. Organizing my time allowed me to set 6PM-7PM for a study time with him. Because of my busy schedule the past months, it has been very hard to find the time to put him to sleep but ever since I put a “son time” on my daily schedule, I am able to do that now too and it feels great!

Used the Google calendar widget as my homescreen just to make sure I am not missing anything. 

Write a letter to teacher. Last night, I saw my son’s exam results and I got a bit sad. He scored poorly on defining the parts of an ant. Out of 5, he only got 1 and it’s the head which is nice because a 4 year old kid should recognize an ant’s head, right? But I was surprised though that they had a quiz on something that was not in the pointers and subject discussions as stated on my son’s assignment notebook. So I wrote a letter to my son’s teacher

This would alert the teacher that I am keeping an eye on my child. Teachers usually favor children whose parents are well aware on their child’s activities. I got a text right after Kobe’s teacher received the letter.

Top priority. Who says you can’t have a life if you are a single mother? Who says you need to be “losyang” looking? Who says you can’t have a love life anymore? Well, a lot of people say that, especially the narrow minded ones. “Unsa mana siya uy laag-laag unya ang anak gibiyaan”, or “Jusko, perting pulaha ug lipstick nag two piece two piece pa jud, anakan naman unta!”, or worse “Haaay Ginoo, nag uyab uyab pa, maypag gi focus na lang niya iyahang time sa iyahang anak. Igata uy!” and other stupid things people say. Tell you what? F*CK THEM ALL! (excuse my French!)

For me, It’s only wrong when

• You go out and you leave your child to someone who can't take care of them.
• You have more time to party or with your friends than with your child.
• You can buy a Mac Rubi Woo lipstick but not your child’s vitamins or milk or NEEDS.   (Good Lord!)
• You spend a lot of money and time with your boyfriend (??) but you can’t even send your child to a decent school.
• Everything else that doesn't put your child as your top priority.

      The key is: MAKE YOUR CHILD YOUR TOP PRIORITY!

As what I have said earlier, I have no right to cut myself some slack because I am now a mother and it’s a lifetime job, but it doesn't mean I can’t have a life or look good or be happy again either. But I always make sure that in everything I do, my son is always on top of my list. I was still able to travel to a lot of places but I make sure that I leave my son to the best person who can be his 2nd mom. He has a nanny that’s been with us for almost 4 years now and treats him like a son too.  

Ate Bebz and Kobe. Grabbed from Bebz's FB account. 
Kobe's white shirt GAP
Bebz stripes shirt DCLA

I still go out but I make sure that he has everything that he needs and everything is taken cared of before I go out to see my friends or buy something expensive for me. I have an amazing boyfriend who understands that my son is my FIRST priority and that he comes second. It’s not easy to find someone who can understand that, I am one of the lucky few. The key to this is to not do the same mistake twice. Your ex (your child’s father) should be a perfect example on who to NOT date. LOL. I remember last June, my boyfriend set a dinner with his family on Father’s day and he already told them that I will be joining. His parents are amazing people and the last thing that I wanna do is disappoint them. His parent’s house is an hour away from the city so it means that I would have to spend the night there. That same week, we just moved to our new house and the house is not gated yet. The thought of leaving my son with the two nannies overnight in a house without a gate terrified me a lot so I decided to cancel the father's day plan even if I already promised my boyfriend that I will be cooking dinner for his parents. Should he have done that to me, I would have bitched about it but he didn’t even budge. He told me that he already figured it out when he saw the ungated house and that I should watch my son first. That’s the kind of boyfriend all single mothers should have.     

Put down phones and gadgets. Face it, we can't serve two Gods. As what I have said, we can't be super moms all the time. So whenever I set a time for my son, may it be the 15-30 mins in the morning or an hour for study time in the evening, I always make sure to make it a quality time. I take advantage of the little time that the two of us are spending. I used to have my phone with me whenever we have our mommy and son moments, and I couldn't help but read an important email or answer my boss's sudden skype call on what supposed to be was a time intended for my son. As long as there is no important meeting set on the same time, then I should be safe missing that call.

Before, Kobe would always annoy me whenever I work and it used to upset me. But ever since I made him realize that there is a time for me and a time for him, he would now leave me alone whenever I am facing my computer. There are times when in the middle of my work time, he would ask if we can go to bed together and hug each other. He would eventually let go of me after 5 mins and say "Okay mommy, you can go back to work now" which is really sweet! 

Again, I am not a perfect single mom, but following these 5 steps made me feel like I have accomplished something as a mother because I can see it on how my son behaves. He is a happy, disciplined and sweet child.

my ootd: earrings F21, black sleeveless Bench,
white blazer Attitude, blue satchel + denim shorts + white shoes ukay-ukay
Kobe's ootd: Spiderman shirt and short pants SM Department store
shoes Gibi

I think all our children really need is for us to be there for them. To recognize them and to remind them every single day that they are the most important person in our lives by being there for them not just physically but mentally and emotionally.

Daddy's day with Kobe: Doughnut Making at Krispy Kreme
my ootd: black dress Soul, Knitted blazer Divisoria
Kobe's ootd: Gray shirt GAP, pants Grizzly

Attend school meetings, never miss their first day of school, attend daddy's day for them because after all, you are a daddy too! Make sure to have them prepared for the next school day, do NOT miss anything that is happening in their lives because if you do, you will never know why they suddenly became silent and aloof. You will never know why they changed and what happened just because you missed that single life changing moment. 

I want to be a good mom. I don't want to be a single mom who will ask myself someday, "Where did I go wrong?"

I am not a perfect single mom, but I want to be a perfect single mom to the eyes of my son. This is going to be a lifelong challenge but I don't care. With prayers and with deed, I know I will be okay. 

My 99 Peso Bag Organizer

I've always had an OCD problem ever since I can remember. I don't like having it because it usually stresses me out from the littlest things. Everything has to go my way. From cleaning the house, to storing my meds, storing food, to organizing my son's daily schedule, everything needs to be immaculate in my eyes and mind. So when I noticed my bags just sitting on top of my make up table, almost decaying because of my lack of care (got too busy earning money), I was completely horrified. I had to do something!

It's not easy having the need to organize everything, and it doesn't come cheap too! Most of these organizing stuff are expensive. You have to be really creative to be able to afford these organizing kits, stands and closets especially if you are on a tight budget. I'm glad I have that talent.

Checked at a local Home Decor Store and is priced at Php 2,800

It was actually pure luck when I found my 99 peso bag organizer. I was originally looking for wood hangers to organize my belts and necklaces when I saw them and I thought, "I could use this for my bags too!". And it didn't fail me!

One hanger can hold up to 20 sling bags!
Wooder Hanger -SM Lanang Home Supplies Department

I use it as a  necklace organizer too!

You can also use it to organize your belts. It can hold up to 20 necklaces, 10 belts, 6 big bags and 20 sling bags. I just recently held a garage sale and my things are almost sold out so I can't take a picture of the wooden hanger holding that much since I only have a few of my things left. I have yet to fill it again! Haha!  

I bought 4 of these wooden hangers and they only cost me Php 396.00. Way cheaper than Php 2,800 plus they look posh so it's a steal!

Always remember to Stay Classy, be a Streetsmart Fashionista!

I'm Fatty and I Know It

Having gained 40 kilos from a high risk pregnancy and was extremely fat for three years because of the steroids, I swore to God never to return to the body that I had 7 years ago.

Left pic is from May of last year, Right pic is from May of 2008 

me with friends last September 21 in Prive Luxury Club celebrating my 30th birthday 

So when I first noticed the body changes first week of December 2013 (roughly 6 months ago), I got really worried. I was juicing that time and was having a no rice diet, imagine the horror when my favorite shorts won't fit me anymore considering that it still fit me the week before. I was so confused! I started running every morning, did the 10 minute ab routine, and even started to write down daily food intake just to keep track if I am over eating or not but I was still gaining weight. It was horrible!

New Years Eve celebration at the White House
My weight gain is beginning to show on my face!
OOTD
Cardigan P150  Divisoria
Dress P110 Divisoria

People took notice of my weight gain, and I didn't like it. I started to hate myself. I went through some rough moments when I had to fight the urge to eat and just drink the juices I make everyday. I got bitter. I would complain on how rude people are whenever they tell me that I got really fat. But the truth is, I was more angry at myself because I just couldn't lose weight.

It was March 8 when I first noticed that my legs are swelling.

Got this from my IG post, I even made fun of this.

I first thought that it was because of my strenuous exercises. But when my legs swelled again on March 25 and with an intolerable pain this time, I knew I had to have myself checked.

Swollen legs on March 25 from my IG post

When my doctor told me about the rare disease that I have, I got very upset and depressed. I just won a health battle last year and I couldn't believe that I am going to have to face another health problem again. It was awful. I thought, so that explains the weight gain, that explains the extreme exhaustion even if I'm not doing anything, so that explains the swelling.. and so on.

It was really hard to be okay with it. There were so many things that I had to sacrifice.

My last gig with my band. I was bloating this time!
OOTD
Dress Divisoria P110
Necklace F21 P400
Belt SM Accessories P529

I had to stop singing, I had to stop exercising, and I had to accept that I can't do anything about my FAT body. I had to stop hurting myself and accept people's criticism and looks of surprise especially when they saw me months earlier.

Rapid Weight Gain - this pic was taken one week apart.
I was wearing the same shorts and sleeveless but I can't close the short's zipper anymore the week after (orange shirt).
OOTD
White Sleeveless F21 P150
Shorts Ukay-ukay P75
Orange Shirt Bench P545 

It was not easy at first, it was awfully and bloody hard. I had to endure seeing posts of my fb friends with their hot bodies last summer, but at the same time, I was relieved. I was relieved that there was a reason why I gained weight and it was not because I didn't take care of myself.

Now, I don't get upset anymore when people would call me fat or comment on my weight gain rudely. I eventually got the hang of it. So how did I do it? I researched a lot. I followed health blogs. I followed blogs and instagram accounts of people who talk about their struggles on gaining weight. I took notes on things they did to regain their confidence.

Here Are 5 of the Major Things I did to Rebuild Myself. 

1. I accepted the fact that I am sick. And I cannot do something about my weight gain.

2. I accepted the fact that I am now FAT. Because I did gain weight and that's the truth. 

3. I let go of my dresses (and shoes).  Looking at my smaller size clothes used to depress me because non of them would fit me anymore. So I sold them. (and earned 5k+ from it!). Now, I wouldn't have to see and try them on which would only depress me more. I bought myself nice clothes with bigger sizes from my garage sale earnings and it made me feel better!

4. I stopped caring about what other people think. This is a cliche, but maybe it became a cliche because this works big time for a lot of people! When I stopped caring about what other people would think of me and started focusing on my well being, I became more comfortable with my fat self. 

with my son and my new hair style
OOTD
Necklace Bits&Accessories P180
Long blouse Ukay P50
Katrina Bag P500

And it's really not your problem if they find your physical appearance unpleasant, it is theirs.

5. I followed all of my doctors advice. Well this is self explanatory. I want to get well, FAST!

6. I accepted and recognized the love and care of the people who were truly there for me. When we are angry at ourselves, we tend to pin this on people who really care for us. And that's one of the mistakes that I did. My family have been very supportive but my boyfriend played a major role in my battle against depression and weight gain. I was so afraid that my weight gain would somehow lessen his love for me that I became defensive. I even blamed my weight gain on him! But he knew that it was my depression talking and not me, so he didn't leave me. He supported me instead of being angry at me. And support means, researching on food that I can eat and not eat. Planning  for my daily exercise that would not exhaust me and jumping on things that would stress me out. It's a wonderful feeling when someone still loves and adore you like a beauty queen even if you look like someone who spent a month in McDonalds.

I am not saying that it's okay to be FAT because it isn't. It's utterly unhealthy and I think this is a popular opinion. The above mentioned only apply to those people who are suffering the same disease as mine or suffering an illness that would make them bloat and gain weight like crazy. Hope this will help you guys!

Leaving you with a really nice quote to live by. TGIF!

Of Love And Betrayal

For more than a year, I have been staying away from toxic people in my life and I became a happier person since then. 7 months ago, someone knocked on my door at 3am and said he needed my help. Because he's a family, I welcomed him in my house with open arms. I gave him food to eat, water to drink, clothed him and gave him his wants like cigarettes and booze when he asks for it in an attempt to save him from his misery. As a single mother, the financial burden is a big added deal but I wanted him to trust me like a parent, and confide to me like a sister.

I know it's lame but I can't help it, I have to post a crying pic to go with the sad topic.
I was caught crying on a wedding because of  the groom's speech.
Not connected with the topic at at all, just for thumbnail and all the drama. Duh

As a 25 year old grown up man, I never asked him to look for a job.  I figured that he'd be wise enough to know that he needed to get a job in order to finance his needs and wants. As a child, I have always hated it when people have to tell me what to do. There's a thin line between teaching and "pangunahan" ka. I hate the latter. So I thought he would hate it if I do that, so I didn't. A month went by, two, three and came his 7th month living under my roof, he still didn't look for a job. There were times when I asked him to do my job for me which he obligingly did, though I always end up finishing it for him. And I paid him. I paid him well.

You see, I have this reputation of being emotionally abused by people that I love. It may be a friend, a relative or a boyfriend. My bestfriend once told me that I am not good in socializing with people that I don't like. I don't kiss asses. If I don't like you, then I wouldn't go through lengths of moving a single nerve to even give you a smile or a nod. But when I like a person or love a person, I go to the extremes of showing you my love and care. As a child, I thought that's a good trait. But growing up, I am not sure anymore. This trait has led me to making bad decisions, and this, is one of the worst.

It wasn't until I became aware that I lost a huge amount of money two weeks ago, and it wasn't until I found out that he pawned my cellphone (just this morning) that I realized that I am making a huge mistake. Helping him was a bad idea and my idea of "help" and "therapy" was not good for him. 

I became really angry three hours ago, who wouldn't? I felt betrayed, abused and tricked. I said things that were so hurtful that it hurts to even hear those words coming from me. When he opened his mouth, I thought he would say sorry, (because that's what you do when you hurt people right?) But instead, he said "Mulakaw na lang ko uy, pabug-at raman ko dri!" (I'll move out of this house then! I'm a burden for you anyway!")

And all hell broke lose. 

I watched him wash his clothes. I watched him cry. I heard him when he said 'Goodbye and Thank you". And I watched him go out of the door. Crying. 

I love my brother. I love him. God knows that. And I wish I never said the words that I said to him. Albeit everything that he did, my heart is bleeding right now. 

I feel guilty and I know I will never sleep tonight without thinking if he's already sleeping in a comfortable bed or if he already ate dinner. 

But he has to help himself. So I need to carry this burden so that I can truly help him. I need to teach him resilience, something that our parents never did because of their undying love for us. 

If he's ready to change, I will still welcome him with open arms. 

I miss you Noy. :'(